Cradle 2 the Grave

Cradle 2 the Grave is one of those action thrillers that thinks stealing is a morally superior, victimless crime — if by “victims” we understand “casualties” — as long as you steal from criminals. We’re supposed to believe that Anthony Fait (DMX) and his merry crew of diamond robbers are decent folk because they claim to target “drug dealers” and “money launderers.” The latter means we’re also tacitly asked to believe that, unless he’s a hypocrite, when Anthony sells the diamonds he steals, he takes no measures to conceal the origin of the resulting money — money which, as far as we can see, he doesn’t use to repair the damage drug dealers do to the community. Another reason we’re expected to sympathize with this gang is that they have a “no-gun policy.” They’re still breaking the law, but they must rely on their wits to do so — like, for instance, Tommy (Anthony Anderson) flirting with gay security guard. Tommy will later imply he would rather have the tar beaten out of him by an expert martial artist than pretending to be attracted to men. Is homophobia another quality that should endear us to these characters? Finally, what makes Anthony especially heroic is that he risks life and limb to rescue his daughter from the danger in which he put her to begin with. Anthony doesn’t react very well when someone else relieves him of the black diamonds he acquired illegally — even though, as a criminal himself, it should be okay to steal from him too. I guess he is a hypocrite after all. Anthony clashes and eventually teams up with Taiwan Central Security Bureau agent Su Duncan (Jet Li). Su is either on an official mission to restore the diamonds to their rightful owner (whoever that may be) or a personal mission to exact revenge on crime lord Ling (Mark Dacascos). I’m leaning toward option B, seeing as how Su has no backup, doesn’t report back to his superiors, and the only time he interacts with the local police is when he shows a random cop his ID — which will later be shown to be in Chinese, yet the local random cop appears to understand perfectly. Overall, the city police department seems to forget about the diamonds not too long after they’ve been stolen. I don’t necessarily mind that. The diamonds are, or at least should be, a McGuffin — a clothesline upon which to hang the film’s set pieces and fight scenes, which are pretty damn good. The action is often hard-hitting, sometimes funny (e.g., DMX’s sudden, brief parkour skills), and almost always grounded in practical stuntwork and Li’s acrobatics. That’s why it baffles me so that the filmmakers couldn’t let the diamonds be diamonds and decided to turn them into WMDs or some such nonsense. This development will not only manage to find a way to ruin a Jet Li-Mark Dacascos fight but directly lead to Ling’s craptastic death-by-radioactive-suppository death. That’s why you should never take those things orally.